Day VII: Food and Medicine and Weight

I screwed up something with these posts, I think I missed a day or something. I have no idea. But it doesn't really make much of a difference so I'm just going to continue from day 7 and not care if I screwed up! K? 

Food diary
Breakfast: 2 dl berry yoghurt 120 kcal
Lunch: 4 tblsp mushed broccoli-chicken curry 200 kcal
           4 tblsp berry compote with no berries 200 kcal
Dinner: 1,5 dl mushed soup 300 kcal
            1 dl whipped porridge 100 kcal
            0,8 dl apple juice 80 kcal
            2 dl berry soup 150 kcal
Alltogether: 1190 kcal?

Medicine diary
14 g Colonsoft x2
6 mg Oxanest IM every four hours
10 mg Oxycontin x2
5 mg Cipralex


Again to the cafeteria and back.

 Because I only just started using the Colonsoft medication again (opiates tend to cause horrible indigestion) so my weight has been going up though I clearly eat too little for me to be gaining anything .- water or fat. I know most of the weight that leaves my body at this point is water and the rest is muscle, but I don't really have all that many muscles in the first place, so there's some fat going as well...

Day VII: Photoshoot with ex a few days ago

My wonderful ex came to see me all the way from Savonlinna this weekend and took some pictures of me, thought I'd share them with you. He'll be back hopefully next weekend to come and visit again.

Day VII: Feeling like I could give up - but I never will

Every once in a while, especially during these sorts of times, I just feel like I can't take it anymore. I'm always in pain, life's a misery, my loved ones suffer, there's nothing good anywhere.

All there is
is illness

and pain
and suffering

and torture
and depression

and anxiety
and panic attacks

and sadness
 and crying

and walls crumbling down
and the sky falling on all of us
but in the end, I never manage to give up. I go to the hospital feeling like I can't stand straight, I'm so ill, but I still say I'm okay to sit, no I don't need a bed. I do need a bed, I can barely sit, but I refuse to let go and give in and say "I need help".

Today, for the first time in my life, I actually spoke to a psychiatrist about my problems. I have seen psychiatrists before, but have either had no issues to deal with as I was so young and still had an easier life, or I refused to be honest because I thought the doctor was being so condescending. I don't tell the truth to people I don't feel deserve it. I don't give respect to people who don't deserve it. I don't consider authority figures authority figures before they show me, that they are worth it. She showed me. She let me speak my mind without glaring at me, without any judgment in her eyes or in her voice, and she really helped me. 
She even agreed that she has some bad collagues when I told her about my latest contact with a shrink, and apologised (which she didn't need to, it wasn't her fault).

Half the time I feel loved and supported and like there's nothing I can't handle, and the rest I feel like all the Gauls in Asterix: "Je craque! J-j.j-e cr-cr-craque!", the sky is falling apart and on top of us. She helped me notice this about me and that is why I am writing now. 
I may be sad here and there, I may be depressed even, but never, ever am I truly alone. All I need to do is go out and ask for help. 
(And yes, I know it is like looking for a job, it isn't always easy, you might not get support or any other sort of help, but you are still not alone, you will find someone at some point, just as long as you stick by it and don't give in).
(And no, it doesn't take strength to just sit on a chair when you really need a bed, it takes more strength to admit that you cannot manage anymore and need a bed to lie on). 

It takes a strong heart and mind to take life in all it's gruesomeness, but it takes much more strength to admit that you cannot go through all that misery alone and you need help. 
I learned that today and will never forget it.

Day VII: Medical updates and news

So, the biopsy results from my enteroscopy in September finally came a day ago. They showed that I still had some abnormal cell growth, aka cancer, but that the samples were too small or degraded or something not to give an ambiguous result, so now I am going to have another CT scan (computer tomography for those who don't know, it's like an x-ray just better and uses iodinebased contrasting agent) and a new enteroscopy (it's a procedure where they go through your entire digestive tract with a tube, camera and a biopsy snapper). Thankfully the enteroscopy is done under anesthesia, so that's no problem.

I will have to get a new IV done though, because both procedures require one, but thankfully my doctor already promised that I'm allowed to be really sedated before they try to put the IV, since I tend to have panic attacks when they don't find a vein. And they never find a vein, I have such crappy veins it's not even possible hitting them the first time round. So yeah, sedation. Tranquillisers.

Also some paindoctorperson is going to think about the painkillers I'm using, since they don't like me getting injected all the time. The pills don't seem to work and there are no opiate patches with oxycodone, just phentanyl and I hate phentanyl, so...yeah, we'll see what they come up with.

And I'm going to see a shrink in about half an hour. Because I wanted to see one. Because of a reason I can't remember anymore.

Also this all probably means I won't be getting out of hospital for quite some time to come, but thankfully I've managed to clear things up with a couple of teachers....I'm just really nervous about the rest. Because I'd really like to FINALLY get my BA out so I can start concentrating on other things. Like doing smething worthwhile.

I also bought this t-shirt last night just for the fun of it:

Day VII: I wonder about videos and tea

Today I woke up at a reasonable hour, around sevenish, which make me rather glad, because at that point I wasn't deep in sleep anymore and did remember quite clearly that I was in hospital (I've been waking a few times now not remembering and directly getting a panic attack as a result).
I weighed myself and realised I had gained almost a kilo back, but that's nothing to worry about. It'll go down in a few days again, it's not like I've eaten more. Nothing's just come out yet (yes yes tmi).

I feel like today I should put some make up on. I feel like being pretty today. Actually I feel quite pretty right now anyways, I don't feel hideous in any way. Actually mostly when I'm sick I feel like I'm at my prettiest. Not because of the white skin, or the really dark circles under my eyes, but the fact that I look so relaxed. Then again, I am on high doses of painkillers and I tend to get tranquillisers as well when I panic, so no wonder I look relaxed. My skin also looks cleaner in hospitals. Maybe it's the fact that there's no street dust inside and good air conditioning. I mean, it's not like I ever do anything to my skin to make it look good.

Yes, I will put on make up today. I will also take pictures of it, and I thought about making a little video.
Just a short introductory one, telling who I am and what's been happening to me. Five minutes or so. Put it on here and on Youtube and we'll see what happens. No one will watch it of course, but I feel like talking to a camera right now.
You'll also get to hear my accent! Decide if it's still very Finnish or not ;)

But all that I'll do after my doctor's have visited me, since I think they'd laugh at me if they knew my plans. And since I got some bad news yesterday, I don't feel like looking happy in front of them. Or making them laugh. Even though I really do like them.

Here's some pictures of tea:

I REALLY want one of these!! It's a Tea-Rex!

So true

Day VII: How about a new kitchen too?

Our kitchen at home is basically falling apart. It has been for years, was never of very good quality. My mom got the urge to remodel is before she died, but she didn't get far with her planning, so nothing changed and it's still the same old kitchen with the uglyish cabinets and really broken stove and oven. The fridge door is falling off (duct tape is keeping it together) and the only thing that's not broken in any way is the almost 100 year old original stove/oven system we have there.
That's something we'd of course always keep, it does take a lot of room but it makes the room so much prettier. Besides, it's still functional. Just because we never use it for the hassle of getting enough wood to heat everything and having an open flame in our kitchen, it's fully functional!

However, everything else I'd really like to have changed in that kitchen, and I'm sort of sure my dad wouldn't mind some new appliances so cooking would become easier and not be so darn frustrating. Of course we may never do this, takes a lot of time, energy and money, which we have none of, because we're both always ill in some way, but still. A girl can dream right?

But I do have to remind you with the upcoming photos, that this is not the kind of kitchen I would personally want for me. It is a compromise of things I like and things I know my dad would like. Since we both own the house and share it, decorating is also a two-way street. I cannot force red appliances on him or old school fridges, I need to consider his tastes as well.

However! Once you scroll down far enough, I'll have a few photos for you of kitchens I find fascinating!

And now for my
Although do ignore the ugly statues and random uneccessary pieces! It's the colour and style scheme that I like

Photos XI: Inspirational make up

I love a good classic make up: a bit of eyeliner, some shadow and beautiful red lips. I do love almost any good make up that suits it's wearer, but that is my absolute preference.
All these photos have different types of make up inspiration, but all are so beautiful that it's difficult to bear.

I will have to try some of these once I get to my make up. I only have some bare essentials here in the hospital (right for a classic fifties look, but nothing else really). I was thinking of maybe putting some on today...just for the fun of it! I like playing dress up, makes me feel like I'm a child again...

Photos IX: Beauty inspiration

Thought I'd post some other inspirations as well as thinspo and foodspo. Today I started using my Pinterest again and found some marvellous pieces there.

Day VI: Thinking of a home I won't see for a while

I'm sure they won't let me go anytime soon, but I'm still planning what I'm going to do to my room. Still. I changed bedrooms with my dad earlier this year and it's all still sort of halway through. Some of my stuff is still in his room and vice versa, so nobody is very happy about the situation.
Secondly, I hated my parents' bed, so I went and sold it. Now I only have one single mattress, so I'll have to get a bed as well. And I don't know where to put it. I think the way the layout of the room is done now is so that nobody could even in the least be keen on using it for something other than sleeping. I'd love to make into my own little nook.
So I'm thinking of changing the whole layout, which is enormous work and since I'm still sick, probably not that easy even after I'm healed.

However, I really want to get it to order and need to start thinking of what I'm going to do with it. If I get on holiday from the hospital at some point (for a day or so), I'm going to measure the entire room and everything in it, so I know better how to plan for it!

But here's some sneak-a-peaks of my inspiration:

Photos VII: Piercing love

I just love piercings. Okay, not all of them and definitely not on everybody, but generally, I love piercings. My favourites are anything in the ear, labrets, medusas and septums. For me, I'd really like either a medusa or a vertical labret.
I probably will never get one seeing as my dad hates them and to be quite honest, I rarely listen to him, so there must be something else keeping me away from it as well. Maybe it's the idea of the needle, the cost or just the hole in my face for the rest of my life when I take it off. Or all the nerves that could get damaged. I know it's just paranoia on my part, but still, probably not going to take one.

I just feel that for the female lip form labrets and medusas are just the most beautiful piercings ever. Together with septums they just really stand out and enhance cupid's arch!