Photos XXVIII: Foxes are loveable! Oh and I'm home again!

It seems as though many people when seeing pictures of foxes in Finland go immediately to the barking mode. Have to call them sick, unhealthy, dangerous, have mange, shouldn't be allowed near people. Why on earth not? A fox is about the size of a big big house cat. What's so dangerous about it? Not to mention most of the pictures I have seen in the news of foxes have had beautiful thick coats of red and black, nothing to be seen of mange. The reason they come to humans is food.
If there was enough food for them in the wild, and enough shelter, they wouldn't have to come to humans, it's not like they're tamed. So get your asses up your couches and start looking at ways to help the foxes rather than want to shoot them from your windows!

I like foxes. All foxes.

Also, I just got home from hospital today, and am feeling very lucky to have such an amazing home, but I feel so so cold, since it is actually really cold in our house and I feel I need to wear outerwear indoors, it's horrible. I wish I had the coat of a polar fox, but I suppose they feel cold as well. I do have a fur coat, but it's a bit too fancy to wear just to watch the Simpsons....

Anyway, tomorrow we're planning on going down to Gigantti to look at phones for me, so that maybe I get that Lumia for Christmas or my birthday which is also coming up. It'll be about three hundred euros, but thankfully I really need a phone to phone people, so I'm allowed to have something so expensive. Also the bed, I'm getting the bed. It's supposed to arrive in a week or so, and I can't wait.
I've already done so much work in our bedrooms (because the switch is sort of still on-going, we haven't switched bedrooms completely yet, like all our stuff and that sort of thing). I feel really tired, and I'm going to feel even more so, but I haven't had a bad pain spike tonight, so I'm really hopeful that I won't get a panic attack. Maybe, and this is just me being hopeful, having diazepam in the house will also calm me down enough to not get one in the first place. Wishful thinking.
Oh and I've eaten waaaaay to much today as well, so no list. I hope to fix this problem for tomorrow.

But back to foxes:

Starting over and leaving this ward and this hospital

(Hopefully for quite some time too).

Even though I was in extreme pain, and am still on really heavy painkillers even now, I do feel a lot better. I'm having less pain issues, and fewer panic attacks. (Though at the point I started writing this I had just had a panic attack about fifteen minutes ago). Now never mind that, because I have, all things considering, had a rather good experience here. The dctors are wonderful, the nurses lovely and all the rest of the workers are fantastic as well. So I can't really complain. I can complain about my symptoms but not of my treatment.

I'm getting psychiatric help as well, which at this point in my life, feels absolutely necessary and I don't know how to thank everybody. I may have to come back at some point and bring some Christmas presents!

From now on, I won't be counting days, so you won't see me writing Day something on the post line, I will write smething else. Because I haveno point of writing at home while counting days.It's my home, I don't count days of being there, I just enjoy them.


Day XV: Food and Medicine....not

Today I'm not even going to try to count my calories. I was so hungry after the procedure that I just ate everything I could get my hands one, especially sweets, so I'm guessing my calorie count could've gone up to almost 2000 for today. Way way too much seeing as I don't move a lot.
But, it's a special day and tomorrow will be different. Really, I promise.

Also I got so many meds during the procedure (light anethesia) so I have no idea what or how much (they said that I needed more than most people) they pumped sedatives und sleeping solutions in me. So I won't do a medicine diary for today either.

I am going to stop doing a medicine diary from now on, and will only tell if I've needed something extra. My regulars now consist of all the old ones and Neurontin 600 mg three times a day, Cipralex 20 mg once a day and Zyprexa  5 mg once a day. But everything else I will tell you guys.

My exercise diary will change quite a bit I hope, since I am supposed to be more active at home. Less to do you see and lots to clean! We're getting guests for the 6th of December, for the National Day, so I can't wait! I need to clean all of house beforehand, and we need to go shopping for food with my dad.

So good night everyone and see you tomorrow in new circumstances and with new tricks up my sleeve!

Photos XXV: The beauty of the architecture of going up and down

You know, since I was a little girl, I've always loved staircases, they've been something so incredible to me that that love has stayed on all the way of me growing up.
These days, I just marvel at old wrought iron spiral staircases, or the old English staircases that go up, and down and up again, which seems ridiculous, but is too beautiful to imagine.
Maybe there's something in me that wants to go up all the time, but at the same time, prefers being downstairs.


Day XV: 10 random facts about me

I noticed a bunch of people doing this on their blogs and thought I'd contribute somehow. I will post just random pictures of bunnies to keep you entertained if you find my facts too dull, you can always "awww" in the middle.

Fact 1. I am extremely caring of random people I may not even know that well. Even to the point that I have deleted friends, because they have not agreed with me on how far you can go with helping someone. I think there's no limit. If someone needs help, and if I find them nice people, I will bloody well help as far as I can!

Fact 2. I cannot remember names. Not even of people I met several times and spoken to on several occasions and heard their names spoken multiple times. I will still forget it.

Fact 3. I remember faces perfectly well. I might not remember a name, but I will remember peoples faces from way way back when, and remember in what context we met. Names I will not remember, but faces stick to my mind like really good glue.

Fact 4. My weight yoyos as much as my mind does. It goes up and down almost regularly, and it's even weird, because I never notice myself changing my food habits. All those little cookies and chocolates and candies and booze just suddenly appear out of nowhere and then I'm fat again. And then I start taking control, lose the excess and down we are again. It's really annoying, why can't I stay in control all the time?

Fact 5. As a friend of my mother's ones put it: manic-aggressive. I mean, sure, right now I'm clearly also depressed. But I'm not manic-depressive. I am manic-aggressive. I'm either super hyper happy active weirdo, or a crazy mean bitch. I go from one to the other in no time, and I have a very short temper. Thankfully I also have great skills in refraining myself, so the worst I've done is call someone a bad name (and yes I know how much that hurts too, I was bullied at school).

Fact 6. I am a drawer. Not one of those wooden ones you put stuff it, but one that just simply draws a lot. I like drawing, it's calming and also stressing sometimes but it makes me really happy. It gets some of my frustration out if I really need it. Kind of like my next fact.

Fact 7. I am a writer. Not an official one since I've never published anything, but I write a lot (outside of this blog as well) and have a few short stories done, or thinking of writing. It's a real escape. And I have a very bad habit of not planning my writing at all, so even I don't know how the story will end or when. But I don't mind. I  don't really write to get stuff published, I write to be happy.

Fact 8. Can't remember words to a single song. I can remember some parts, refrains for example, but never a whole song. Even songs I listen to all the time, and sing to while listening them on youtube or my iPod, I still  can't remember the words. Ever.

Fact 9. Completely clumsy. I shake, shiver and drop things all the frigging time and it's getting a tad frustrating. I'm like my 68-year-old dad in that sense, I shake like maaaaad. Which is why I'm glad my last phone was the Galaxy XCover, 'cause I've dropped it like seven times and it's still exactly the same. Just won't call people...

Fact 10.  I have restless legs syndrome. Now I know a lot of people see as a fake illness, that it's not actually true and we are capable of refraining ourselves from shaking the legs.
No. No No No No and NO. It feels so unbelievably uncomfortable not shaking them that you can actually feel your leg yelling to you through the muscles "SHAKE ME YOU BLOODY IDIOT SHAKE ME NOW"
So no. We can't stop it. If we stop it, the only thing we can think of is the leg screaming.

Need to make these bunny cookies they're so cute!

Photos XXIII: Time for Tea!

Weirdly enough, though I drink tea very seldom, I still manage to love tea in all its forms. It's just that I'm not much for hot drinks...I prefer cool stuff, and getting ice tea usually means lemon or peach, which both sound dreadful compared to a good Earl Grey!

Day XV: Getting out of hospital

Well, not quite yet, I still have to wait till Saturday, but still. I'm really looking forward to it. I'm nervous about it too, because of the random pain spikes I get every now and again, and  the fact that I tend to get a panic attack because of them, but all that might change once I'm home - safe. I feel so safe at home that it's the only place where I usually feel completely relaxed.
I'm not really an anxious person, or well, in certain cases yes, but usually I'm really laidback and all this hospital business has removed all that from me.

I'm really really happy to get home again.

But first I have a day of only eating clear liquids and tomorrow and enteroscopy. They look through my intire intestinal tract. All of my bowls. Yay, sounds like fun doesn't it? Nah, I'm not too concerned, it's under anesthesia so I don't feel a thing, but do need to be slightly sedated beforehand, because I might just get a panic attack when they try to find a vein for the IV...

Oh, and the mouse on my laptop broke, and I turned off the touch pad ages ago, cause I hated it, and I find it way too arduous to try and get it on without a mouse so now my dad is going to bring me a mouse to hospital in the evening, so I can continue writing my essays. I still haven't finished the second one... And I need five essays now. Jeez Louise.

Today I'll get guests again, more than my dad that is, he is here every evening if he just can - we're really close. I've always been a daddy's girl, and I'm really lucky to have a dad that really cares about me and supports me in my decisions through my life, even though I'm already technically an adult. Plus I think he'd be really bored if he didn't have a chatterbox like me around!


Day XIV: Food and Medicine

Food diary

Breakfast: 2 slices of thin ham 12 kcal
                ½ berry yoghurt 60 kcal
Lunch: ½ cup of lamb soup 100 kcal
           1 cup berry crumble with vanilla quark 300 kcal
Dinner: 1 cup of potato-cauliflower-turkey-gratine 350 kcal
Snacks: 2 pieces of chocolate 60 kcal
              1 small hot chocolate 200 kcal
Alltogether: 1082 kcal

Medicine diary

5 mg Oxycontin x2
5 mg Cipralex x1
x mg Neurontin x3
14 g Colonsoft x2
5 mg Zyprexa x1
2 mg Oxynorm x2
x mg Diapam x2 


Short walk to the cafeteria
80 crunches
20 squats and 10 minute sitting against a wall, whatever it's called
10 lunges on each leg
30 pushups
And one hour long panic attack

Photos XXI: Bohemian Interiors

Some more inspiration for my bedroom project. Always been a fan of a bohemian sort of lifestyle. Love the colours and the atmosphere, as well all the clutter. Though I do say, I live with clutter and it's not that much fun!

Day XIV: Depression can really hit you

I never thought I'd be on anti-depressants. I never even thought I was ever depressed, although to be honest, even now I'm not getting anti-depressants because of depression. I'm getting them for anxiety. I have anxiety issues, getting the panic attacks and not being able to end them. The anti-depressants are there to help me not to get that many panic attacks and keep them lighter, so I'd be able to maybe stop them. I'm also getting sedatives in the evening, so I won't wake up in the middle of the night knowing I'm in hospital and getting an immediate panic attack.

Which is what has happened a few times, I can tell you, my goodness. It's quite clear that my issue is nowhere near as bad as some people's, I'm not that depressed, not that anxious, but it's all subjective. For me, this is really difficult, because I'm used to just going through my life, which hasn't been an easy one, and just letting it flow. I've gone with the flow, if I can use a cliche here. But it's clearly taken it's toll, now I want to have these meds. Now I want to see a shrink. Yes, still going to call them shrinks.

I'm sort of afraid that when I get home now, that all this will continue. That I'll still get panic attacks, like I did in the summer. I don't want to, they're horrible and they make me really afraid of what will happen if I just keep having them. Because I've been in a panic attack for almost eight hours at the worst, and it's really really horrible hyperventilating for eight straight hours. Those were in hospitals though, thankfully, at home they never lasted that long, I got to take enough meds to keep me calm enough, but not anymore.

I don't really know what medication and in what doses I'm going to get home. I know I'm getting Cipralex, the anti-depressant, and Zyprexa, the sedative, but in what doses and what times and whatwhowherewhathow? Also I'm getting Neurontin in some doses to take at home, but I don't know yet about that either. It's too early to tell. I also don't know what kind of a shrink I'll see after this and that scares the living shit out of me, because I hate shrinks. I hate the look I usually get, that really condescending look, that makes you want to just yell you're better than they are and storm out. I've been lucky here in hospital, the shrink and the nurse are both lovely, just wonderful people, and I feel comfortable talking to them. I hope I'll get someone like that afterwards too. Someone I can talk to. Otherwise I'll have to ask for another, and there may be no other and what will I do then?
Scared I am, as Yoda might put it. Anxious. I'll get on Saturday if all goes well. Completely discharged. It's a fantastic thing, I've been in hospitals for three weeks now, it's getting really tiresome. I miss home. I really relaly want to go home. But at the same time - scared. Because of what if I get pains, what if I get panics, I don't know what to do.

I hope I will find out. And I will have my dad there all the time, so that will help me a lot. It will really keep me going more than this sitting around alone for most of the day in a room trying to write essays for teachers.